The Wonders and Trials of Music

I'd like to thank the Big Guy Above Our Heads for inventing music.

Somebody--and I have no idea who, it would be hilarious if they were reading this--posted something to me online that at first made me hurt, then wonder if it was true. I don't feel like giving full details, but they were basically saying that I'm really stuck-up and bossy, or I can't sing, or both. So naturally, whoever posted this would mostly likely be in Concert or Chamber choir, who knows me well enough to say so.

When I read those words, it was enough to make me freeze in my computer chair and literally stop breathing, my body completely numb. I read what (s)he said a few more times and my mind remembered how to breathe again as I tried to come to terms with what I'd read.

Doubt and second-guessing are two of the worst enemies you can have.

Without trying to be overly defensive, here's my response to whoever wrote those things:

If I come across as stuck-up and bossy, I don't mean to. When we split into sectionals (quick review sessions where the choir splits into separate voice parts) and practice vocal lines, I'm generally not the one who sits back and lets someone tell me what to do. When it comes to leading people in a group I'm decently good at it, and having some musical skills helps also. The truth: the others in the alto section are not, for the most part, obnoxious, but they don't tend to stay focused and always start talking five seconds after we finish running through stuff. If I happen to be one of the people plunking out notes on the piano and therefore leading, it's probably my responsibility to get them back to work so we can actually accomplish something, right? After all, our choir director tells us to do sectionals because we need more practice in hammering out parts proficiently. So of course, he'll expect that we get things done and come out of the practice rooms better than when we came in. So whoever wrote that, please think again. I'm just trying to follow Mr. Woodworth's (our choir director's) instructions here. And as far as I know, I'm not a dictator when it comes to shushing everyone, but there are periods when the luxury of chatting can't be afforded.

If it's implied that I can't sing, I'll say as modestly as I can that I don't think that's true. As far as technique goes I'm lacking in some things. I have enough pride to acknowledge that. I've never taken private voice lessons, so I pretty much never had the chance to truly develop my singing as an individual. But I've been involved in the school choir for six years running now and I daresay that compared to when I started, I sound better now. I've had people give me constructive criticism (and therefore implying that I'm not great) and I've had people give me genuine praise. Each to his own. If I'm bad at singing, I can't help it. If I'm amazing at singing, I can't help it either. If the person that wrote these things disagrees with Mr. Woodworth's decision to place me in Chamber Choir for this coming school year, I can't do anything to resolve their opinion. His decision is final. Try and discuss it with him if you want to be that nosy, but he probably won't change his mind. If he thinks that I'm good enough for Chamber Choir, then that's the way it'll be. If he thinks that I'm not, then that's the way it'll be. 

_______________________________

My brain shorted out for about five seconds after rereading what was written, then I maximized iTunes on my computer and started playing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful". 

Yes, really. As cheesy as it sounds, I started listening to that song and I replayed it once or twice more on Youtube.

And then--incredibly--I started smiling a little as the song went on and I literally felt all the oppression and dark thoughts releasing me, or maybe the other way around. The thing is, that song is probably the best picker-upper encouragement song I know of and all the amazing emotion in the song--the joy, the love--just really reached deep inside me at that point. And I felt the words I had read before lower to an unintelligible mumble. After the song ended, I felt so much better.

The words I didn't want to read were fading away fast in my mind. So was I denying the possibility that those words were true?

No, I'm not. 

All I can say is that I am...who I am. And I can't do anything about it. 

Perfection is impossible and I can't please everybody on earth.

Perhaps those words are true to some once they get to know me. But I have friends who disagree with what that person had to say. They disagree not to make me feel good about myself, but because they genuinely believe it. They know me well enough not to permanently judge me because of what they happen to see during one class or one day. And as long as I continue having true friends, I'll assume that what I have to offer is good enough.